A Good Wife: Escaping the Life I Never Chose

Sixteen years-old Samra Zafar was a bright student in Pakistan, with so much potential to become something more than she already was. Excited to venture off to university, Samra Zafar was anticipating to learn more and continue to excel academically. A year later, her world changed. Just a teenager, Samra is pressured into marrying a much older man, who promises he will support her ambitions and dreams while convincing her that moving to Canada would guarantee better opportunities to fulfill her goals.

Right after the wedding, spending a week in Dubai with her new husband and her in-laws, Samra already felt like she was suffocating. Unable to spend one on one time with her new husband in order to get to know him better and having to fulfill her duty as a good daughter-in-law, Samra felt invisible. Reassured by her husband to wait it out a few more days until they will be on their own once in their new home in Canada, Samra feels a little hopeful. The beginning of the marriage seemed great, her husband was bringing pamphlets of different institutions she could attend to further her education and they spent time getting to know each other. At the age of 18, both Samra and her husband were stunned to find out she was pregnant with their first child. Naturally, Samra is worried about her dreams of pursuing further education, how would she do so while pregnant? Not to worry, her mother-in-law assured her, she was on her way to Canada to help take care of the new baby and Samra.

The arrival of her in-laws marked the change of everything in Samra’s life. Slowly, her husbands demeanor changed. He became controlling, angry, and hostile towards Samra and became a man she didn’t recognize, all while listening to the taunts from her in-laws, who also began to be hostile towards her. It seemed like her dreams were going to be just that; dreams. The hostility and the anger first presented itself in verbal abuse, then escalated to physical abuse, all of which is accompanied with emotional and psychological abuse. Apologies are said, false promises of change are made, and the cycle begins again.

Now, Samra Zafar, in my eyes, is an inspiration. Finally making the leap, with two young children, Samra escapes the life of abuse and control. Although it didn’t go as planned, (but what really does in life right?) Samra, with tremendous courage, leaves behind what was once her dream home and the life she was living and moves on campus at the University of Toronto where she was a student. It wasn’t all easy after that. Samra was afraid. She was getting calls from anonymous people saying things along the lines of “you’re not hard to find,” and feared for her children, worried that one day, maybe her husband wouldn’t return them during a visit. Juggling with the trauma, the continued fear, raising amazing daughters, and being one of the top students, Samra Zafar prevailed! Rumors began after their seperation with the purpose of tarnishing Samra’s reputation, but Samra, now a single mother of 2, proved she could survive without a man to look after her.

Today, Samra Zafar is a best-selling author, social entrepreneur and award-winning international speaker. She continues to advocate for human rights, inclusion, and equity. On top of all her achievements, Samra was also recognized as a “Top 25 Canadian Immigrant” and “Top 100 Most Powerful Women.”

I had so many feelings while reading A Good Wife; sadness, anger, disbelief, and inspiration to name a few. At the end of the read, my main feeling was amazement. I applaud and absolutley admire Samra Zafar and her courage to not only take the step back and say “This is not how my story is going to be” but also to share her story; it couldn’t have been easy. Women, especially in the South Asian communities, are the ones who are shamed in these situations even though they are the victims and survivers. The shame should be felt by the abusers and those who support the abusers or stay silent.

Being a South Asian woman, the classic lines I get about getting married always bothers me. Now, I know it’s not only a South Asian issue but I am speaking from my experiences and the reasonings behind such thought processes of fellow South Asians. I have heard from so many people the classic lines about getting married such as getting married at a “decent” age because then it gets harder to find a partner, especially for women. I get hit with “Do you have someone special in your life” followed with the pity “oh” when I answer no, assuming I haven’t been lucky enough to find someone yet rather than accepting that I just choose to be single, or the classic line when your sibling is getting married,”You’re next!” I tend to reply that marriage is not a priority in my life until I accomplish what I want to in terms of education and my career. Then comes the usual rebuttal of “You can study after marriage” or “You need to get married in life,” or “How will you survive on your own?” I once asked a relative why they thought I should get married, I said something about certain people being unhappy in their married lives and the response was “Still, you should get married,” so essentially I was being told that it doesn’t matter if you aren’t happy, but getting married is a necessity. 

Sometimes I get frustrated. It feels as if people feel getting married is the ultimate accomplishment. Someone could have acheived success in other aspects of their lives, but God forbid they don’t get married, tsk tsk. I’ve heard from many people, some relatives, speaking of someone they might know who has done very well for themselves career wise, financially, etc., but it always comes down to “Oh, but she still isn’t married, poor her.” It becomes this pressure on women, they begin to feel inadequate by being on their own. As Samra Zafar quotes one of her aunts in her book, her aunt explains to Samra, a teenager at the time, “The most important thing is that a woman get married.”

There is this notion, that a woman needs a man in her life. Samra had experienced sexual abuse by a family relative at a young age and was told that getting married would save her from such instances from happening again. From a young age Samra was repeatedly told she needed to get married to do well in life, so when the prospect of her getting married came, despite her desires and dreams, she felt pressured to be a good girl and listen to her family and relatives and settle down. The false promises by her husband at the time seemed to be the best option for her, everyone around her was telling her things like “Men aren’t usually okay with their wives studying after they get married, so if he says you can go to school after the wedding, jump at this chance.”

On top of this immense pressure, is the cherry on the top, “the duty to protect the family honor.” Whose duty is it, you ask? Yes, you guessed correctly, apparently it is in the hands of the women in the family. As mentioned earlier, Samra is hearing these rumors about her that are meant to portray her as a bad character but no one is talking about what her husband has done. A woman is blamed when her marriage is broken, after all, it is believed that the duty of keeping the marriage together in South Asian Communities falls onto the woman. Women are told “Keep it between your family,” or “It is a family matter, people don’t need to know.” The worst one in my opinion is when victims and survivers of abuse come public with their stories and I hear people say “Why do they have to make it such a public thing, just sign the divorce papers.” If someone came out and shared their story of abuse, support them, don’t shame them for doing so, don’t make it seem like they did something bad, because for all we know, they could be an inspiration to other victims and survivors.

It takes so much strength and courage to share your story, man or woman, and if you want to share your story – do it! Like Samra, unfortunately many people face domestic abuse. Hearing stories of others going through something similar can help them feel inspired and not alone. At the end of the her book, Samra recounts her encounter with another woman who was also in an abusive relationship, this woman heard Samra’s story and felt hope, that her story could change. With her own courage and strength, alongside support from others, the woman was able to save herself from her abusive relationship. Imagine if Samra didn’t come out with her story because people around kept telling her to keep it hush hush, that woman may have never felt that hope or encouragement.

I encourage everyone to read A Good Wife: The Life I Never Chose. It is a bit longer than some of the books I have reviewed before but it is written and presented in a very organized and clear way, making it an easier read. Read A Good Wife: The Life I Never Chose  and educate yourselves and become aware of the issues that continue to plague our communities. Have difficult conversations with your family members, educate yourself and others on these issues and how you can help change the narrative, change the thought processes. Trust me when I say it isn’t just an older generation thought process. I would like to thank Samra Zafar for sharing her story and I hope one day I have the opportunity to hear her speak at an event in person.

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